era_vulgaris | Recent Entries

I've never been good at those year in review type of things, especially since in 2012 I didn't keep very good records. I've found myself slipping on writing things down in a lot of ways, which is probably why I have 3 letters I've needed to reply to since, oh, October. Not to mention putting my Postcrossing account on a hiatus, and then today I made a decision that I feel like was several years in the making:

I'm dropping all forms of online RP.

If it weren't for the tabletop game I'm in I'd drop RP all together, but I came to the realization that I spend 80% of my waking hours imagining up lives for other people instead of sorting out my own. I am so miserable in most of my waking life it's actually quite terrifying, and I have no ideas how to improve my life from this point. All my ideas are rooted in the "what-ifs": what if I could go back in time and make different decisions from the age of 12 onward, what if I had done this instead of that, what if I knew what I was doing and that's not really helping me to get my life together and be a happier person.

There's a difference between something you do for fun as an escape and doing something so that you don't have to look at your life at all, and that's what my RP writing had become. Not to mention the extreme anxiety I would get at the idea of anyone reading it (and if you're writing but afraid of being read, what does that mean exactly?). Also the fact that I...didn't like anything I was producing, once I went back and read it. It all seemed very predictable and I wasn't happy with it.

To be honest this only really affects Karra, which is unfortunate, but I'm hoping our friendship will last beyond the fact that I just don't want to write anymore.

I feel bad, but...well it probably says something that I was only doing private RP at this point, and not posting it anywhere.

Now I just need to decide if I want to delete all of my online journals as well, since I'm not putting them to much use either.

If only my self-destructive tendencies made me happy, I'd be all set.

This has been a year in improvement. I have taken steps this year to be a better me. Which is a little different than being, say, a better person...

I've begun going to the gym since July. I took my first flight alone in my life. I've tried to create a financial cushion for myself (granted, $200 isn't very much in the grand scheme of things and like so many depressives, I overspend quite a lot and quite often). I've tried to be easier on myself with things like my weight, my food consumption, how things do or don't fit on me. I've tried to allow myself breaks with school and work and the rest, but it's been hard a lot of the time. I HAVE HEALTHCARE AS OF THIS MONTH (finally) though I also need to call my GP and make an appointment, sob.

Sometimes it feels impossible, and sometimes I am so angry that I'm not perfect or closer to perfect. Angry that I can't just study for hours upon hours on end despite the fact that I'm well aware that I'm coming from a position of having less to work with than a lot of people do and a lot more obligations occupying my time and mind. I just wish I were good at something; good meaning "able to do this with little stressful effort", and something meaning "obtaining a high GPA".

My current GPA is 2.98 because every single semester, I do poorly in a math class and get straight As in everything else I happen to be taking. I honestly fear that college isn't for me, that my abusers were right and I'm not that smart. On the other hand, I have my boyfriend and my mother assuring me that I am, but they give this assurance without any real advice for how to succeed beyond "keep at it".

To be honest, I think that they'll just think the best of me no matter what. I need a plan and I'm too taxed to think of one on my own - which in turn, makes me feel stupid. It's the absolute worst vicious cycle. I guess I mostly just hope that I can manage to go to college after this. 28 feels old and 2.98 feels stupid and nothing is good enough.

I'm not the kind of person who makes it being "okay" in this society. Too brown, amongst other things.