This has been a year in improvement. I have taken steps this year to be a better me. Which is a little different than being, say, a better person...
I've begun going to the gym since July. I took my first flight alone in my life. I've tried to create a financial cushion for myself (granted, $200 isn't very much in the grand scheme of things and like so many depressives, I overspend quite a lot and quite often). I've tried to be easier on myself with things like my weight, my food consumption, how things do or don't fit on me. I've tried to allow myself breaks with school and work and the rest, but it's been hard a lot of the time. I HAVE HEALTHCARE AS OF THIS MONTH (finally) though I also need to call my GP and make an appointment, sob.
Sometimes it feels impossible, and sometimes I am so angry that I'm not perfect or closer to perfect. Angry that I can't just study for hours upon hours on end despite the fact that I'm well aware that I'm coming from a position of having less to work with than a lot of people do and a lot more obligations occupying my time and mind. I just wish I were good at something; good meaning "able to do this with little stressful effort", and something meaning "obtaining a high GPA".
My current GPA is 2.98 because every single semester, I do poorly in a math class and get straight As in everything else I happen to be taking. I honestly fear that college isn't for me, that my abusers were right and I'm not that smart. On the other hand, I have my boyfriend and my mother assuring me that I am, but they give this assurance without any real advice for how to succeed beyond "keep at it".
To be honest, I think that they'll just think the best of me no matter what. I need a plan and I'm too taxed to think of one on my own - which in turn, makes me feel stupid. It's the absolute worst vicious cycle. I guess I mostly just hope that I can manage to go to college after this. 28 feels old and 2.98 feels stupid and nothing is good enough.
I'm not the kind of person who makes it being "okay" in this society. Too brown, amongst other things.
I've begun going to the gym since July. I took my first flight alone in my life. I've tried to create a financial cushion for myself (granted, $200 isn't very much in the grand scheme of things and like so many depressives, I overspend quite a lot and quite often). I've tried to be easier on myself with things like my weight, my food consumption, how things do or don't fit on me. I've tried to allow myself breaks with school and work and the rest, but it's been hard a lot of the time. I HAVE HEALTHCARE AS OF THIS MONTH (finally) though I also need to call my GP and make an appointment, sob.
Sometimes it feels impossible, and sometimes I am so angry that I'm not perfect or closer to perfect. Angry that I can't just study for hours upon hours on end despite the fact that I'm well aware that I'm coming from a position of having less to work with than a lot of people do and a lot more obligations occupying my time and mind. I just wish I were good at something; good meaning "able to do this with little stressful effort", and something meaning "obtaining a high GPA".
My current GPA is 2.98 because every single semester, I do poorly in a math class and get straight As in everything else I happen to be taking. I honestly fear that college isn't for me, that my abusers were right and I'm not that smart. On the other hand, I have my boyfriend and my mother assuring me that I am, but they give this assurance without any real advice for how to succeed beyond "keep at it".
To be honest, I think that they'll just think the best of me no matter what. I need a plan and I'm too taxed to think of one on my own - which in turn, makes me feel stupid. It's the absolute worst vicious cycle. I guess I mostly just hope that I can manage to go to college after this. 28 feels old and 2.98 feels stupid and nothing is good enough.
I'm not the kind of person who makes it being "okay" in this society. Too brown, amongst other things.
